What a perfect Saturday.
I woke up in the arms of the one I love. He fills every inch of my mind, body and soul with happiness. I am always thinking of him. I cannot get him off of my mind. We are taking things slow but they're progressing quickly. He makes me smile like no other person has. He can make me laugh in a second. The sound of his voice on the other end of the phone can take my terrible day at work attitude and show it to the door. All upset and frustration are completely gone once I hear him speak. He kisses me so sweetly and yet, he can also kiss me so passionately that I go weak in the knees. He knows exactly how to hold me in his arms. He grazes my arm so softly when we are cuddled up next to each other in bed while watching a movie. He kisses my neck, my cheek, my forehead, my arms, my lips... I cannot get enough of his kiss. His embrace leaves me feeling comforted, safe, secure.
I'm writing these feelings now because you never know how long they will last. But with him, I'm praying for a lifetime.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
And I say this with caution...
This is was written November 21, 2012.
Where did I leave off? DJ? Yep. That ship has sailed. Long ago. In September to be exact. And I couldn't be happier. DJ was fun, but he was always meant to be just a friend. It was just a little experiment that I thought I'd give a try. And I am so thankful that it didn't work out. I'm glad that my first instincts were right. Because it wouldn't have brought me to where I'm at now.
Re-reading what I wrote about DJ, and really any guy that has walked into my life, I've found something I have in common with each situation.
I fall. I fall hard. And I fall for guys who are all wrong for me.
Until recently...
I say this with caution.
Because I don't want to look back at this six months down the road and say the same thing about this man, as I've said about the past guys.
See what I did there? Called this one, a man. All others have been referred to as boys or guys. Hmm. Interesting.
This man has been in the picture since June. Yes, that's right, since JUNE. He even came out to my twenty-fifth birthday celebration at Shangri-La.
We finally started hanging out in September.
First we went out for a beer at Brew Exchange. Which led to walking around to other bars and then onto 24 Diner for a late night snack. Then I took him to see Ben Folds Five at Stubb's and after the concert we made out in his car. It totally felt like high school but it was so much fun! One Saturday we drove out to Lockhart, the BBQ Capital of Texas, to try three different restaurants. We hit each place in a total of an hour and a half, and tried all they had to offer at each location. By the end of the trip, we both had the meat sweats and needed to pass out. That was such a fun day! I remember that night, after my shower and nap, I went back over to his house and we watched the Kansas State football game, his alma mater. We began spending more time together. We went to lunch practically every day and would spend the evenings watching movies or sports and staying up to ungodly hours of the night, even when we had work at 8:00 am the next day. We went to other shows together, he came to karaoke and Jen's birthday party with me, we even got sick at the same time. What a coincidence... But there is one night in particular, that stands out in my mind.
One of the first nights at his house, we went into his room because he said, "Have I shown you my room before?" Trying to by sly, of course, even though I had already seen his room. We then started to listen to some old school music. I was standing in the middle of his room next to his bookcase. He turned out the lights and came over to me. It was dark except for a little bit of light that shone through his bedroom window under the shade. He put his arms around me. We started swaying to the music. He kissed me. As we were kissing, I was overcome with a feeling that I can honestly say I have never felt before. It was scary. It was exciting. Could it be real?
Now, as I have already mentioned, I am going to say this with caution.
Due to fear.
But the things you fear, or rather, the things that fill you most with fear, are usually the things worth going after in life.
My feeling was this...
I knew.
I knew that I as going to marry this man.
Even writing that sentence just now, scared me. And it took me a few tenths of a second to pause and continue writing the second half of that sentence.
Point is, I knew.
Right then and there.
More recently, on Tuesday - yesterday - I went with him and two other coworkers to get smoothies after lunch. Dyron wanted to get cookies after, so we walked over to Sugar Mama's Bake Shop. While we were waiting on Dyron, Brad was like, "I could do this." He was referring to opening up a bake shop, restaurant, his own business, etc. And I told him how one of my life goals on my list is to open my own bakery. He told me that I should. Then he continued and said that he would help me, "we could make a business plan, take out a loan, open a store together." Sure, reading that it just sounds like a simple business deal. But looking into his eyes while he said this to me... I knew it was something long term.
I think he feels the same. I also think he's being cautious at the moment when it comes to defining what he and I are actually doing at the moment. We are dating. But nothing is official. And I'm ok with that right now. Because all great things take time. I'm not worried because I know that this is going to be long term. I'm happy.
I haven't told anyone what I felt that night. I don't want to tell anyone either. This is exciting for me, and I hope for him. It's exciting getting to know each other. It's exciting to learn new things about one another. It's exciting to share stories and laugh together!
He told me that when he has his own house that he wants a garden where he can grow his own food, and wants other things that naturally, are slipping my mind at the moment, but the point is - everything that he mentioned to me that he wanted, are things that I have always dreamed of having too.
And he comes from a good family. He was raised right. He was saving himself for marriage. But that changed earlier this year because he felt pressured to be twenty-six and to not have done it yet. He said that he regretted it because it didn't mean anything. And he wanted it to mean something. So he said he was going to wait until he found the right person... I must be the right person...
Well, he just called me. And he said, "Well hey there, pretty lady," when I answered the phone. He always puts a smile on my face.
We are going to have an ice cream and movie night. I'm so excited! I love being with him.
I've only mentioned his name once because I'm cautious. And superstitious. And I don't want to jinx myself with this one. Because I do not want to lose this man.
November 27, 2012
Starting fresh today with my writing, meaning that this entry was not previously recorded in my journal.
Our ice cream and movie night was a success! It was so wonderful. We flirted and acted like high school kids in the grocery store while we were trying to pick out ice cream. He told me that his favorite BBQ restaurant in Kansas City just got an award from the Travel Channel and he said that he wants to take me to Kansas so I can try it. So I told him that I would go. He asked, "Do you promise?" and I said, "Yes, of course I promise." I would love to go to Kansas City with him! After the grocery store, we went back to his house and watched episodes of The Office. We snuggled up next to each other all night. I fell asleep in his arms. It was one of the best night's that I have had with him. I woke up Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) and in his half asleep stupor, he wished me a Happy Thanksgiving and hugged me and kissed me. He was absolutely adorable. I talked to him briefly that evening when I had finally arrived in Little Elm at Becky and John's house. I came back to Austin on Friday evening and went straight to bed. In fact, I spent most of the weekend asleep because I was sick. And I did not hear from Brad. Anytime that I would catch myself worrying, I'd tell myself to stop and I'm make myself remember the night he and I had just had. That was the best thing I could have done because Monday evening when I got home, he called me. We talked for about half an hour and I had the biggest smile plastered to my face the entire time. Today (Tuesday) I was making some hot green tea at work and he happened to come downstairs at the same time. So we got to talk for a bit this morning which was good. He was wearing a blue shirt which made his baby blue eyes stand out even more. So. CUTE. Then I decided to bite the bullet and ask him to lunch. He, Phil, Steve and I ended up going to Hopdoddy's for burgers. It was delicious. After work, I walked out to the garage and got into my car. I turned it on and started checking my phone. The next I know, I look to my left, and there he is staring at me oddly. I rolled my window down and called him a creeper which he shot back the same response at me. We joked around for a bit but I can't talk very well today because I am losing my voice. I wish I wasn't losing my voice because I just want to hang out with him more! But, c'est la vie. I'll get healthy and then he and I will be able to hang out. Although I want him to invite me out. This weekend he was talking about going to the ACL Live taping of Gary Clark Jr., and then talking about going to Barbarella's with the guys. Which is totally cool but I'd like an invite, too. I think I am getting to the point to where I would like to talk to him about what is going on between he and I. But at the same time, I am having fun just spending time with him and talking and I am scared that if I bring anything up, I will not receive the response that I am hoping for. On the other hand, it could be a good thing. It could get him thinking more about it. And on the third, invisible hand, I am really just over-analyzing this entire situation and I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride!
Our Christmas work party is at the Austin Music Hall on December 14th and I could not be more excited about it! I am going to wear my burgundy fancy dress that I've only gotten to wear once, and I found the most perfect, classy gold Ralph Lauren heels to match. I just need to round up ninety dollars to purchase them. I am going to wear my ivory long coat, that I need to retrieve from my Dad's house and have dry-cleaned, and I am also going to curl my hair in curlers so that it's beautiful. I also want to go buy some new eye makeup so that I will just look phenomenal and turn heads everywhere I walk! I know that sounds horrible, but I am really being sincere. I just want to look beautiful because that dress makes me feel beautiful and I want to look beautiful for him. I will most likely be taking a trip out to my Dad's house this weekend so I can have everything in order. The party is only two and a half weeks away!
Work is going really well. I am staying incredibly busy and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get that permanent position by the end of the year. That would be the best Christmas present! That, and an official status with Brad. But I can't hold my breath for either right now.
As much as I would like to keep typing, I think I need to either work out or rest my eyes. I should probably do the latter since I am not feeling very well. Please God do not let me get sick! I cannot afford to miss work.
Ta-ta for now. I'll be back soon.
Where did I leave off? DJ? Yep. That ship has sailed. Long ago. In September to be exact. And I couldn't be happier. DJ was fun, but he was always meant to be just a friend. It was just a little experiment that I thought I'd give a try. And I am so thankful that it didn't work out. I'm glad that my first instincts were right. Because it wouldn't have brought me to where I'm at now.
Re-reading what I wrote about DJ, and really any guy that has walked into my life, I've found something I have in common with each situation.
I fall. I fall hard. And I fall for guys who are all wrong for me.
Until recently...
I say this with caution.
Because I don't want to look back at this six months down the road and say the same thing about this man, as I've said about the past guys.
See what I did there? Called this one, a man. All others have been referred to as boys or guys. Hmm. Interesting.
This man has been in the picture since June. Yes, that's right, since JUNE. He even came out to my twenty-fifth birthday celebration at Shangri-La.
We finally started hanging out in September.
First we went out for a beer at Brew Exchange. Which led to walking around to other bars and then onto 24 Diner for a late night snack. Then I took him to see Ben Folds Five at Stubb's and after the concert we made out in his car. It totally felt like high school but it was so much fun! One Saturday we drove out to Lockhart, the BBQ Capital of Texas, to try three different restaurants. We hit each place in a total of an hour and a half, and tried all they had to offer at each location. By the end of the trip, we both had the meat sweats and needed to pass out. That was such a fun day! I remember that night, after my shower and nap, I went back over to his house and we watched the Kansas State football game, his alma mater. We began spending more time together. We went to lunch practically every day and would spend the evenings watching movies or sports and staying up to ungodly hours of the night, even when we had work at 8:00 am the next day. We went to other shows together, he came to karaoke and Jen's birthday party with me, we even got sick at the same time. What a coincidence... But there is one night in particular, that stands out in my mind.
One of the first nights at his house, we went into his room because he said, "Have I shown you my room before?" Trying to by sly, of course, even though I had already seen his room. We then started to listen to some old school music. I was standing in the middle of his room next to his bookcase. He turned out the lights and came over to me. It was dark except for a little bit of light that shone through his bedroom window under the shade. He put his arms around me. We started swaying to the music. He kissed me. As we were kissing, I was overcome with a feeling that I can honestly say I have never felt before. It was scary. It was exciting. Could it be real?
Now, as I have already mentioned, I am going to say this with caution.
Due to fear.
But the things you fear, or rather, the things that fill you most with fear, are usually the things worth going after in life.
My feeling was this...
I knew.
I knew that I as going to marry this man.
Even writing that sentence just now, scared me. And it took me a few tenths of a second to pause and continue writing the second half of that sentence.
Point is, I knew.
Right then and there.
More recently, on Tuesday - yesterday - I went with him and two other coworkers to get smoothies after lunch. Dyron wanted to get cookies after, so we walked over to Sugar Mama's Bake Shop. While we were waiting on Dyron, Brad was like, "I could do this." He was referring to opening up a bake shop, restaurant, his own business, etc. And I told him how one of my life goals on my list is to open my own bakery. He told me that I should. Then he continued and said that he would help me, "we could make a business plan, take out a loan, open a store together." Sure, reading that it just sounds like a simple business deal. But looking into his eyes while he said this to me... I knew it was something long term.
I think he feels the same. I also think he's being cautious at the moment when it comes to defining what he and I are actually doing at the moment. We are dating. But nothing is official. And I'm ok with that right now. Because all great things take time. I'm not worried because I know that this is going to be long term. I'm happy.
I haven't told anyone what I felt that night. I don't want to tell anyone either. This is exciting for me, and I hope for him. It's exciting getting to know each other. It's exciting to learn new things about one another. It's exciting to share stories and laugh together!
He told me that when he has his own house that he wants a garden where he can grow his own food, and wants other things that naturally, are slipping my mind at the moment, but the point is - everything that he mentioned to me that he wanted, are things that I have always dreamed of having too.
And he comes from a good family. He was raised right. He was saving himself for marriage. But that changed earlier this year because he felt pressured to be twenty-six and to not have done it yet. He said that he regretted it because it didn't mean anything. And he wanted it to mean something. So he said he was going to wait until he found the right person... I must be the right person...
Well, he just called me. And he said, "Well hey there, pretty lady," when I answered the phone. He always puts a smile on my face.
We are going to have an ice cream and movie night. I'm so excited! I love being with him.
I've only mentioned his name once because I'm cautious. And superstitious. And I don't want to jinx myself with this one. Because I do not want to lose this man.
November 27, 2012
Starting fresh today with my writing, meaning that this entry was not previously recorded in my journal.
Our ice cream and movie night was a success! It was so wonderful. We flirted and acted like high school kids in the grocery store while we were trying to pick out ice cream. He told me that his favorite BBQ restaurant in Kansas City just got an award from the Travel Channel and he said that he wants to take me to Kansas so I can try it. So I told him that I would go. He asked, "Do you promise?" and I said, "Yes, of course I promise." I would love to go to Kansas City with him! After the grocery store, we went back to his house and watched episodes of The Office. We snuggled up next to each other all night. I fell asleep in his arms. It was one of the best night's that I have had with him. I woke up Thursday morning (Thanksgiving) and in his half asleep stupor, he wished me a Happy Thanksgiving and hugged me and kissed me. He was absolutely adorable. I talked to him briefly that evening when I had finally arrived in Little Elm at Becky and John's house. I came back to Austin on Friday evening and went straight to bed. In fact, I spent most of the weekend asleep because I was sick. And I did not hear from Brad. Anytime that I would catch myself worrying, I'd tell myself to stop and I'm make myself remember the night he and I had just had. That was the best thing I could have done because Monday evening when I got home, he called me. We talked for about half an hour and I had the biggest smile plastered to my face the entire time. Today (Tuesday) I was making some hot green tea at work and he happened to come downstairs at the same time. So we got to talk for a bit this morning which was good. He was wearing a blue shirt which made his baby blue eyes stand out even more. So. CUTE. Then I decided to bite the bullet and ask him to lunch. He, Phil, Steve and I ended up going to Hopdoddy's for burgers. It was delicious. After work, I walked out to the garage and got into my car. I turned it on and started checking my phone. The next I know, I look to my left, and there he is staring at me oddly. I rolled my window down and called him a creeper which he shot back the same response at me. We joked around for a bit but I can't talk very well today because I am losing my voice. I wish I wasn't losing my voice because I just want to hang out with him more! But, c'est la vie. I'll get healthy and then he and I will be able to hang out. Although I want him to invite me out. This weekend he was talking about going to the ACL Live taping of Gary Clark Jr., and then talking about going to Barbarella's with the guys. Which is totally cool but I'd like an invite, too. I think I am getting to the point to where I would like to talk to him about what is going on between he and I. But at the same time, I am having fun just spending time with him and talking and I am scared that if I bring anything up, I will not receive the response that I am hoping for. On the other hand, it could be a good thing. It could get him thinking more about it. And on the third, invisible hand, I am really just over-analyzing this entire situation and I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride!
Our Christmas work party is at the Austin Music Hall on December 14th and I could not be more excited about it! I am going to wear my burgundy fancy dress that I've only gotten to wear once, and I found the most perfect, classy gold Ralph Lauren heels to match. I just need to round up ninety dollars to purchase them. I am going to wear my ivory long coat, that I need to retrieve from my Dad's house and have dry-cleaned, and I am also going to curl my hair in curlers so that it's beautiful. I also want to go buy some new eye makeup so that I will just look phenomenal and turn heads everywhere I walk! I know that sounds horrible, but I am really being sincere. I just want to look beautiful because that dress makes me feel beautiful and I want to look beautiful for him. I will most likely be taking a trip out to my Dad's house this weekend so I can have everything in order. The party is only two and a half weeks away!
Work is going really well. I am staying incredibly busy and I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get that permanent position by the end of the year. That would be the best Christmas present! That, and an official status with Brad. But I can't hold my breath for either right now.
As much as I would like to keep typing, I think I need to either work out or rest my eyes. I should probably do the latter since I am not feeling very well. Please God do not let me get sick! I cannot afford to miss work.
Ta-ta for now. I'll be back soon.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Gimme Fiction
I have learned yet another lesson from this past weekend. I may begin to sound cynical, but I promise you I am not.
To start off, I haven't always been weary of relationships. In high school I had two boyfriends; my first was in the tenth grade and lasted two and a half months because we were fifteen years old and he told me that he loved me. Um, hello?! I was fifteen and that scared the poop right out of me! At fifteen you do not know what love is! So naturally, I broke up with him. My second boyfriend came toward the end of my junior year around Easter. We had met at the beginning of the school year and there was definitely chemistry between the two of us but the timing was off, or more-so, we needed to become good friends first before jumping into dating. That was such a fun relationship! We did everything together until he graduated that summer and went off to college. That relationship lasted about six or seven months and believe you me that I cried my eyes out when that one ended. But, I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life and enjoyed my senior year of high school. That Christmas vacation of my senior year, I went to a New Year's Eve party with some friends and met a boy. Little did I know that exactly a year later he and I would be an item. This relationship, my friends, will be the most influential, important, memorable and favorite relationship I will always remember and hold in my heart. We were best friends and did absolutely everything together. We were each other's first loves. We were each other's firsts to many things. Being with him has definitely impacted who I am today and I will be forever thankful for him coming into my life. The impact was so large in fact, that I compare all my other relationships to the one he and I had. The others do not measure up. I feel this is a good and bad thing. It shows that he was a great person however, it screws me over when it comes to meeting new prospects. Hence why the other two boyfriends after him, one I have completely erased from memory and do not count because he was abusive and terrible and I'd love to see him writhing in pain, and the second was a great guy, a blast from my past, but we had different goals for our lives at the time we dated so things fell apart. He also lived in another city and we rarely saw each other - and I preferred it that way because I could still keep my single lifestyle during the week. At that point in my life, I did not want to be attached to anyone. I felt that since I was fifteen years old I had always been in some form of a relationship and I needed to figure out who I was as a person. I needed to grow and mature and set goals for myself. I needed to develop my sense of self, gain more confidence and learn how to not conform into who I felt others wanted me to be. To be quite honest, I'm still working on that, but I believe that it's something we as humans are always working toward because we are ever changing.
Since those last couple relationships and many other boys I've dated who have hurt me, my heart has become harden and my mind will not let me interact with possible love interests past the tipping point. I have learned a lot from all of the boys I have dated, and I call them boys because none of them have matured into men. However, all of these learning experiences have made me more wise, intuitive, cautious, closed off, with walls built and they rarely ever come down. There have been three or four boys over the past year that I've started to bring my walls down for and every time, without fail, once I do they turn into a-holes and blow me off. Is it me? It cannot be just me. They are just not the right ones for me if they cannot handle it. ...is what I like to keep telling myself. The trouble now is that I'm back in the same place I was in March and I have to face the reality of life again. I'm upset but since I continuously seem to be in this place every few months, it gets easier and easier to pick up the pieces and move on within a week's time, at most. I am not going to be the dumb girl. I am not going to be the girl who just doesn't get it. I am not going to be the girl waiting around for a phone call or text. I am not going to be the girl who follows the boy around like a sick puppy. I am not going to be the girl who over-analyzes each little detail. I am not going to be the girl who tries to stay in his circle just to be seen in hopes that he will change. Because he won't. I am a strong girl who has her head on straight and I am only going to keep moving forward. That's the only direction to go. I was upset yesterday. I couldn't believe that this person who seemed so different, could do the same thing to me just like every other guy has done to me in the past year. But the past two weeks I had felt it coming. Something was brewing in the air and as much as I didn't want to acknowledge it, I knew in my gut it was coming and wasn't going to stop. My intuition helped me begin to make sense of the situation and helped me prepare for the storm. And when I received my final answer yesterday afternoon while the skies were filled with black clouds and the rain steadily fell for twenty-four consecutive hours, I was able to wash my hands clean. I woke this morning to sunny skies and a feeling of a weight having been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt... good. I felt clear. And as I am mostly over the entire situation, I still feel some pain from it all but I have picked up most of the pieces and my heart is hardened yet again. Sealed off even more from anything that could potentially harm it. And now more than ever I want to go two ways: either be single for a while again and live my life for me and me alone, or I want to find a real and meaningful relationship with someone. It's a trick; I will always be doing the first option and the second is something that I am searching for but I can live without. It is simply a perk in life.
There is nothing left to do but continue moving forward. I am thankful for the time I did have with him and now I must learn from it and let it go. Change is inevitable. All good things must end... only to let great things begin.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Where the H, E, double hockey sticks, has the year gone?!
Yes, I just used a phrase we ALL used when we were little kids. And I smiled as I did so. :)
I'm so completely and utterly torn and lost and confused and happy and sad and positive and negative and up and down and twist-turned all around.
I despise my current position - work wise. But I tough it out because honestly, it's quite easy and I know that I'll be learning a new position in about two weeks or so. So I can't complain too much. I also may have the opportunity to interview for two new jobs in the Dallas area as well coming up in the next couple weeks. Which is nerve-racking and exciting all jumbled into confusion and life-changing thoughts, hopes, fears, you name it. I've been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that I would find a job in Dallas so that I could move there. Ever since, well, I'd say about a year or so ago. Even more so since the start of this year when I finally realized that the person I am ready to be with lives there. Now, I'm not saying I would move there just for him, but it is a perk. I am just over living here in Austin. I don't spend time with any of the people I used to spend time with because let's face it, people change and I've grown out of that lifestyle. I think I stayed with it so long because I thought it was "cool". Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a part of who I am, but I think that part is slowly fading as I'm starting to mature more and think about the things that really matter and what I really want for my life. The people who I want to surround myself with don't live here. So I find myself traveling up and down the I-35 corridor every other weekend to spend time with them and have fun. I'm tired of wasting the gas money! Four bucks a gallon is not cool. But I digress...
The main reason I am typing this right now when I should already be sleeping, is the fact that I'm torn. The man that I want to be with and can't stop thinking about, day in and day out, does not live here. He's come here quite a bit in the past year and we've always had a blast together. In February he told me that he has had feelings for me since we met... three years and a half years ago. Upon hearing this, I could only wish that I would've known sooner. But honestly, it was probably for the best because now the two of us have had time to grow and mature and start thinking about the things that we really want in life for our individual selves. Of course we are still trying to figure things out, but does that ever really stop in life? I don't think so. Well so in June, we finally had our first kiss. It was phenomenal. I can't explain it. And ever since then, we've been spending as much time as we can with each other. We talk to each other pretty much every single day. It's so fun and it's so great getting to know one another. But at the same time, part of me would like to know where this is going.... this is the part of my mind that starts to wander when I know it shouldn't. I need to be content with what I have and enjoy the ride! Really, if it took him three years to tell me his feelings for me, I can't be impatient now. But geeze louise I would like an answer soon! I would like to know what we are doing. Are we friends? Are we dating? Are we a couple? Are we nothing? These are all questions that you never ask a guy because it backs him into a corner and then you lose him. These are also questions you never ask a girl because it takes the same effect. But hot damn do I want to know the answers! I know, I know, patience is a virtue. Sigh.
This blog is where I write all my thoughts and feelings because I don't feel that I have close-enough best friend anymore, or at least not one who lives close enough to me, to actually sit down over a cup of coffee to talk these feelings out with. Also, I'm quite superstitious when it comes to dating because I've been burned way too many times, so I do not like to talk about my current flames with others for fear that it will jinx it and I will lose the guy. In reality, those "lost" guys were really just losers to begin with so I wasn't missing out on much. But this current guy... oh man. I do not want to lose him. I could not imagine not having him in my life. Since I've met him he's always been in the picture no matter where I'm living, what I'm doing or who I've dated. He's always there to have fun with, talk and be serious with, and be silly and he always knows how to put a smile on my face. I fear that I will lose him. I fear that if I stay in Austin, I'll lose him but if I move to Dallas, I could lose him there, too. This is why I'm torn. I know that I just need to trust in Him and have faith and let go of my fear and worry. I keep telling myself that each and every day. Because He will take care of everything once I give myself up to Him. Some days it is easier than others. As of now, as of last month, my goal is to be living in Dallas no later than December. I realize that means giving up my living situation with Mary, and I sincerely hope that it doesn't ruin our friendship, but I have to do what I have to do.
You have to take risks in life to achieve anything great. If you do not take risks, you have no idea what you are missing out on. You can't let fear and worry keep you from living your life. If there is something out there that you want to obtain, go after it and get it. Stay positive, stay strong, stay determined and let your actions speak out with grace and integrity.
As far as my boy situation goes, I could continue on aimlessly about him and gush about him like I'm twelve years old. That's what I really want to do in fact. But I also need sleep because I have an extra long day tomorrow complete with a two hour workout. Thank goodness because I didn't really do a lot of exercising this weekend unfortunately.
Last few thoughts... I really really really really wish that I had a best friend to talk to right now. And I mean, really talk to. You know how when you're growing up, you and your best friend were tied to the hip and would tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets because you knew that they would never tell a soul? And it was the greatest friendship you have ever had and nothing seems like it could ever replace it? I miss that. I feel that I have quite a few best friends who are scattered across this state and country, yet right now, I don't feel like a single one of them is close to me. And maybe that's just because as we get older, we grow apart into our own lives. We start careers, some move, some get married and have families... it's a way of life, I know. And we can come together over coffee or brunch or dinner to talk and chat and catch up about what has been happening in our lives but it's like the stories are so condensed and the time is limited that you don't have much time to really indulge in conversation and get things off your chest and really connect with your friend. Not to mention the iPhones are constantly ringing off the hook with calls, texts, updates, etc. that it's difficult to get a word in edge-wise and have someone fully hear what you're saying, word for word. Most of the time in a conversation, the cell phone is picked up on average five times, so you know all the words you speak in that time period go in one ear and out the other. That shit pisses me off. But I know I've fallen victim to the cell phones too, so I can't complain too much. I just want to have my best friend here with me so that we can talk about everything under the sun. I want to gush about my current crush and how I want him to be my boyfriend and I want to date him seriously for a long time and how I cannot imagine my life without him and how I could see one day, dare I say it, and hopefully I don't jinx myself, but that I could see him being the person I marry. Who knows. I never plan that far ahead but this is the first time since A.J. that I've really, truly had these kinds of feelings for and it's scary and exciting all at the same time. Please God don't let me lose him. If I do, I can't be upset because that means it wasn't right but dammit it better be right. At this point, I'm second guessing myself, over-analyzing the situation and filling myself with fear. ------ DO NOT DO THIS EVER.
Breathe. God is in charge. Have faith. Be strong. Let go of fear and worry. Love with all of your heart. Enjoy His presence. Walk with Him. You will be blessed with all of the things you need in life.
1 Thessalonians 15 "Be joyful always."
I'm so completely and utterly torn and lost and confused and happy and sad and positive and negative and up and down and twist-turned all around.
I despise my current position - work wise. But I tough it out because honestly, it's quite easy and I know that I'll be learning a new position in about two weeks or so. So I can't complain too much. I also may have the opportunity to interview for two new jobs in the Dallas area as well coming up in the next couple weeks. Which is nerve-racking and exciting all jumbled into confusion and life-changing thoughts, hopes, fears, you name it. I've been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that I would find a job in Dallas so that I could move there. Ever since, well, I'd say about a year or so ago. Even more so since the start of this year when I finally realized that the person I am ready to be with lives there. Now, I'm not saying I would move there just for him, but it is a perk. I am just over living here in Austin. I don't spend time with any of the people I used to spend time with because let's face it, people change and I've grown out of that lifestyle. I think I stayed with it so long because I thought it was "cool". Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a part of who I am, but I think that part is slowly fading as I'm starting to mature more and think about the things that really matter and what I really want for my life. The people who I want to surround myself with don't live here. So I find myself traveling up and down the I-35 corridor every other weekend to spend time with them and have fun. I'm tired of wasting the gas money! Four bucks a gallon is not cool. But I digress...
The main reason I am typing this right now when I should already be sleeping, is the fact that I'm torn. The man that I want to be with and can't stop thinking about, day in and day out, does not live here. He's come here quite a bit in the past year and we've always had a blast together. In February he told me that he has had feelings for me since we met... three years and a half years ago. Upon hearing this, I could only wish that I would've known sooner. But honestly, it was probably for the best because now the two of us have had time to grow and mature and start thinking about the things that we really want in life for our individual selves. Of course we are still trying to figure things out, but does that ever really stop in life? I don't think so. Well so in June, we finally had our first kiss. It was phenomenal. I can't explain it. And ever since then, we've been spending as much time as we can with each other. We talk to each other pretty much every single day. It's so fun and it's so great getting to know one another. But at the same time, part of me would like to know where this is going.... this is the part of my mind that starts to wander when I know it shouldn't. I need to be content with what I have and enjoy the ride! Really, if it took him three years to tell me his feelings for me, I can't be impatient now. But geeze louise I would like an answer soon! I would like to know what we are doing. Are we friends? Are we dating? Are we a couple? Are we nothing? These are all questions that you never ask a guy because it backs him into a corner and then you lose him. These are also questions you never ask a girl because it takes the same effect. But hot damn do I want to know the answers! I know, I know, patience is a virtue. Sigh.
This blog is where I write all my thoughts and feelings because I don't feel that I have close-enough best friend anymore, or at least not one who lives close enough to me, to actually sit down over a cup of coffee to talk these feelings out with. Also, I'm quite superstitious when it comes to dating because I've been burned way too many times, so I do not like to talk about my current flames with others for fear that it will jinx it and I will lose the guy. In reality, those "lost" guys were really just losers to begin with so I wasn't missing out on much. But this current guy... oh man. I do not want to lose him. I could not imagine not having him in my life. Since I've met him he's always been in the picture no matter where I'm living, what I'm doing or who I've dated. He's always there to have fun with, talk and be serious with, and be silly and he always knows how to put a smile on my face. I fear that I will lose him. I fear that if I stay in Austin, I'll lose him but if I move to Dallas, I could lose him there, too. This is why I'm torn. I know that I just need to trust in Him and have faith and let go of my fear and worry. I keep telling myself that each and every day. Because He will take care of everything once I give myself up to Him. Some days it is easier than others. As of now, as of last month, my goal is to be living in Dallas no later than December. I realize that means giving up my living situation with Mary, and I sincerely hope that it doesn't ruin our friendship, but I have to do what I have to do.
You have to take risks in life to achieve anything great. If you do not take risks, you have no idea what you are missing out on. You can't let fear and worry keep you from living your life. If there is something out there that you want to obtain, go after it and get it. Stay positive, stay strong, stay determined and let your actions speak out with grace and integrity.
As far as my boy situation goes, I could continue on aimlessly about him and gush about him like I'm twelve years old. That's what I really want to do in fact. But I also need sleep because I have an extra long day tomorrow complete with a two hour workout. Thank goodness because I didn't really do a lot of exercising this weekend unfortunately.
Last few thoughts... I really really really really wish that I had a best friend to talk to right now. And I mean, really talk to. You know how when you're growing up, you and your best friend were tied to the hip and would tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets because you knew that they would never tell a soul? And it was the greatest friendship you have ever had and nothing seems like it could ever replace it? I miss that. I feel that I have quite a few best friends who are scattered across this state and country, yet right now, I don't feel like a single one of them is close to me. And maybe that's just because as we get older, we grow apart into our own lives. We start careers, some move, some get married and have families... it's a way of life, I know. And we can come together over coffee or brunch or dinner to talk and chat and catch up about what has been happening in our lives but it's like the stories are so condensed and the time is limited that you don't have much time to really indulge in conversation and get things off your chest and really connect with your friend. Not to mention the iPhones are constantly ringing off the hook with calls, texts, updates, etc. that it's difficult to get a word in edge-wise and have someone fully hear what you're saying, word for word. Most of the time in a conversation, the cell phone is picked up on average five times, so you know all the words you speak in that time period go in one ear and out the other. That shit pisses me off. But I know I've fallen victim to the cell phones too, so I can't complain too much. I just want to have my best friend here with me so that we can talk about everything under the sun. I want to gush about my current crush and how I want him to be my boyfriend and I want to date him seriously for a long time and how I cannot imagine my life without him and how I could see one day, dare I say it, and hopefully I don't jinx myself, but that I could see him being the person I marry. Who knows. I never plan that far ahead but this is the first time since A.J. that I've really, truly had these kinds of feelings for and it's scary and exciting all at the same time. Please God don't let me lose him. If I do, I can't be upset because that means it wasn't right but dammit it better be right. At this point, I'm second guessing myself, over-analyzing the situation and filling myself with fear. ------ DO NOT DO THIS EVER.
Breathe. God is in charge. Have faith. Be strong. Let go of fear and worry. Love with all of your heart. Enjoy His presence. Walk with Him. You will be blessed with all of the things you need in life.
1 Thessalonians 15 "Be joyful always."
Monday, August 20, 2012
Life's little adventures
It's one of those days. It's a Monday. I've been contemplating a lot about life lately. Why am I here? What am I doing? Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to live? What is the secret formula to staying thin and eating chocolate truffles?
These are tough questions with answers that are semi there and semi undiscovered. I know what you're thinking - that last sentence really made no sense at all. I'm okay with it though because there are a million people out there who have more fame in the world than what I hold in my little pinkie and they never make sense when they speak.
I'm sitting here at my desk (it's a semi-cubicle) and I just re-read the last couple of posts I had made back in April. A segment of the most recent one caught my attention, hence why I'm writing this new blog today. I wrote that I could never see myself working my life away at a corporation, sitting in a cubicle making a 100 phone calls a day. That I would lose my mind and go crazy. That I could never sit day in and day out doing mundane tasks. Well kids, I've succumbed to this mundane lifestyle. I currently sit at a desk for 8-9 hours a day, making 80+ phone calls to people all over the world and I try to sell them advertisement space on my company's website. How mundane is that?! How did I let myself get into this situation? It was inevitable I suppose. I was working as a server at a restaurant and when I was offered a full time position with a company here in town that would get me out of the restaurant and give me good experience to mark down on my resume, I took it without even thinking twice. It's been a pretty good job thus far. The hours aren't too terrible except when I have to work over time, the environment is fun, the people are chill, the attire is super casual, and the pay is ok. BUT I seriously despise sitting ALL DAY LONG having to make phone calls. On top of that, I'm still a temporary employee - something that I was told would only be for 3 months and then I would start making commission but I was told just a few days shy of my 3 month mark that my temp status was to be extended at least another 30 days. I'm working hard, trying to make sales and then I am not even allowed to see the benefits because they do not want to pay me my commission. It's quite ridiculous. I believe that having this sales experience is good for my resume but I do not want to continue doing this for much longer. And to be quite honest, I've had this gut feeling for a while now that I'll be moving from Austin anyway. My roommate graduates in December and she's looking to move so I know that come December I most likely will not be living in Austin any longer. I'm not even upset about it either. I actually would like to move to Dallas in September if I can...
Here's the reason, or reasons, why I want to move:
- I feel disconnected from Austin.
- My "friends" here in town.... well, I've grown out of them. They're great people but I have no desire to hang out with them anymore. This isn't just a recent feeling either. It's been since about February/March of this year and it is now basically the end of August.
- The people that I want to have in my life, who have been constant since 2009, all live in Dallas. They have been asking me to move back there since I left. Why would I stay here in Austin when the people I want to spend time with live in Dallas?
- There are more opportunities in Dallas. Granted, the outdoor activities aren't as widespread as Austin, but I think I can manage.
- I have lived in the Austin area since I was seven years old. I am now twenty-five. When I first finished school all I wanted to do was live in Austin. I thought it was the greatest city in the world. It was where my friends and family were. And all I wanted to do was live the fun, college lifestyle of going to shows all the time and drinking and partying and making friends with bands. Which, is what I most definitely did. And then I grew out of it. I realized that the goals I had for my life weren't just about living the musician lifestyle. It was great while it lasted. But my goals now are greater. I want to succeed and learn more and do more challenging things. I want to accomplish a lot more. I'm not satisfied with just living a bum lifestyle of drinking, partying and spending excessive money on beer and Thursday night shows at dive bars on bands that most likely will not make it to supreme worldly celebrity status.
It's just not me anymore. I have changed. Which is inevitable. And I'm happy with the change. My priorities have changed. I'm looking to enhance my future. To gain experience, knowledge, success. To better myself. To constantly strive for excellence. I want to learn more. I want to do more. I want to surround myself with the people who love me and who are also on the same track as I am.
It seems the decision has been made. I just now need to secure a job in Dallas so that I can move. Well, a job and then find a place to live and then I can move. It's just time for me to spread my wings and experience a different scenery. Plus, I know I lived in Denton for school but I think this time around it will be a completely different experience. I'll be in the Dallas area, working, not having to deal with school and I will be able to hang out with the friends I really want to spend time with. I think it will be beneficial not only for my well being and friend oriented side to life, but also for work experience and for my future. I feel that it is a great city that I can grow and succeed in. Who knows, maybe I'm right and maybe I am wrong. But I will never find out if I do not take a chance. What's the worse that could happen? It wouldn't work out and I could move back to Austin. But I honestly do not see that happening. Instead of being scared and unsure in life, I'd jump off the ledge and give it a try. There's no way of knowing what life will be like unless I dive head first into the water.
Side note - Since I began writing this, I've made 41 phone calls and not a single sale. Scratch that. I now have $49 on the board. Big money. Can you feel the sarcasm?
Basically I need to keep my faith and everything will work out. I will move to Dallas this fall. I know this for a fact. I just need to be patient yet persistent in my job search and following up with possible employers. And I need to continue to network. I have to do it for myself. And I will. I will keep working hard towards moving to Dallas and I know that it will happen by December. It's what I want and I will make it happen.
I'm going to stop typing this blog now because I think I've worn out the Dallas talk for now.
These are tough questions with answers that are semi there and semi undiscovered. I know what you're thinking - that last sentence really made no sense at all. I'm okay with it though because there are a million people out there who have more fame in the world than what I hold in my little pinkie and they never make sense when they speak.
I'm sitting here at my desk (it's a semi-cubicle) and I just re-read the last couple of posts I had made back in April. A segment of the most recent one caught my attention, hence why I'm writing this new blog today. I wrote that I could never see myself working my life away at a corporation, sitting in a cubicle making a 100 phone calls a day. That I would lose my mind and go crazy. That I could never sit day in and day out doing mundane tasks. Well kids, I've succumbed to this mundane lifestyle. I currently sit at a desk for 8-9 hours a day, making 80+ phone calls to people all over the world and I try to sell them advertisement space on my company's website. How mundane is that?! How did I let myself get into this situation? It was inevitable I suppose. I was working as a server at a restaurant and when I was offered a full time position with a company here in town that would get me out of the restaurant and give me good experience to mark down on my resume, I took it without even thinking twice. It's been a pretty good job thus far. The hours aren't too terrible except when I have to work over time, the environment is fun, the people are chill, the attire is super casual, and the pay is ok. BUT I seriously despise sitting ALL DAY LONG having to make phone calls. On top of that, I'm still a temporary employee - something that I was told would only be for 3 months and then I would start making commission but I was told just a few days shy of my 3 month mark that my temp status was to be extended at least another 30 days. I'm working hard, trying to make sales and then I am not even allowed to see the benefits because they do not want to pay me my commission. It's quite ridiculous. I believe that having this sales experience is good for my resume but I do not want to continue doing this for much longer. And to be quite honest, I've had this gut feeling for a while now that I'll be moving from Austin anyway. My roommate graduates in December and she's looking to move so I know that come December I most likely will not be living in Austin any longer. I'm not even upset about it either. I actually would like to move to Dallas in September if I can...
Here's the reason, or reasons, why I want to move:
- I feel disconnected from Austin.
- My "friends" here in town.... well, I've grown out of them. They're great people but I have no desire to hang out with them anymore. This isn't just a recent feeling either. It's been since about February/March of this year and it is now basically the end of August.
- The people that I want to have in my life, who have been constant since 2009, all live in Dallas. They have been asking me to move back there since I left. Why would I stay here in Austin when the people I want to spend time with live in Dallas?
- There are more opportunities in Dallas. Granted, the outdoor activities aren't as widespread as Austin, but I think I can manage.
- I have lived in the Austin area since I was seven years old. I am now twenty-five. When I first finished school all I wanted to do was live in Austin. I thought it was the greatest city in the world. It was where my friends and family were. And all I wanted to do was live the fun, college lifestyle of going to shows all the time and drinking and partying and making friends with bands. Which, is what I most definitely did. And then I grew out of it. I realized that the goals I had for my life weren't just about living the musician lifestyle. It was great while it lasted. But my goals now are greater. I want to succeed and learn more and do more challenging things. I want to accomplish a lot more. I'm not satisfied with just living a bum lifestyle of drinking, partying and spending excessive money on beer and Thursday night shows at dive bars on bands that most likely will not make it to supreme worldly celebrity status.
It's just not me anymore. I have changed. Which is inevitable. And I'm happy with the change. My priorities have changed. I'm looking to enhance my future. To gain experience, knowledge, success. To better myself. To constantly strive for excellence. I want to learn more. I want to do more. I want to surround myself with the people who love me and who are also on the same track as I am.
It seems the decision has been made. I just now need to secure a job in Dallas so that I can move. Well, a job and then find a place to live and then I can move. It's just time for me to spread my wings and experience a different scenery. Plus, I know I lived in Denton for school but I think this time around it will be a completely different experience. I'll be in the Dallas area, working, not having to deal with school and I will be able to hang out with the friends I really want to spend time with. I think it will be beneficial not only for my well being and friend oriented side to life, but also for work experience and for my future. I feel that it is a great city that I can grow and succeed in. Who knows, maybe I'm right and maybe I am wrong. But I will never find out if I do not take a chance. What's the worse that could happen? It wouldn't work out and I could move back to Austin. But I honestly do not see that happening. Instead of being scared and unsure in life, I'd jump off the ledge and give it a try. There's no way of knowing what life will be like unless I dive head first into the water.
Side note - Since I began writing this, I've made 41 phone calls and not a single sale. Scratch that. I now have $49 on the board. Big money. Can you feel the sarcasm?
Basically I need to keep my faith and everything will work out. I will move to Dallas this fall. I know this for a fact. I just need to be patient yet persistent in my job search and following up with possible employers. And I need to continue to network. I have to do it for myself. And I will. I will keep working hard towards moving to Dallas and I know that it will happen by December. It's what I want and I will make it happen.
I'm going to stop typing this blog now because I think I've worn out the Dallas talk for now.
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