To start off, I haven't always been weary of relationships. In high school I had two boyfriends; my first was in the tenth grade and lasted two and a half months because we were fifteen years old and he told me that he loved me. Um, hello?! I was fifteen and that scared the poop right out of me! At fifteen you do not know what love is! So naturally, I broke up with him. My second boyfriend came toward the end of my junior year around Easter. We had met at the beginning of the school year and there was definitely chemistry between the two of us but the timing was off, or more-so, we needed to become good friends first before jumping into dating. That was such a fun relationship! We did everything together until he graduated that summer and went off to college. That relationship lasted about six or seven months and believe you me that I cried my eyes out when that one ended. But, I picked up the pieces and moved on with my life and enjoyed my senior year of high school. That Christmas vacation of my senior year, I went to a New Year's Eve party with some friends and met a boy. Little did I know that exactly a year later he and I would be an item. This relationship, my friends, will be the most influential, important, memorable and favorite relationship I will always remember and hold in my heart. We were best friends and did absolutely everything together. We were each other's first loves. We were each other's firsts to many things. Being with him has definitely impacted who I am today and I will be forever thankful for him coming into my life. The impact was so large in fact, that I compare all my other relationships to the one he and I had. The others do not measure up. I feel this is a good and bad thing. It shows that he was a great person however, it screws me over when it comes to meeting new prospects. Hence why the other two boyfriends after him, one I have completely erased from memory and do not count because he was abusive and terrible and I'd love to see him writhing in pain, and the second was a great guy, a blast from my past, but we had different goals for our lives at the time we dated so things fell apart. He also lived in another city and we rarely saw each other - and I preferred it that way because I could still keep my single lifestyle during the week. At that point in my life, I did not want to be attached to anyone. I felt that since I was fifteen years old I had always been in some form of a relationship and I needed to figure out who I was as a person. I needed to grow and mature and set goals for myself. I needed to develop my sense of self, gain more confidence and learn how to not conform into who I felt others wanted me to be. To be quite honest, I'm still working on that, but I believe that it's something we as humans are always working toward because we are ever changing.
Since those last couple relationships and many other boys I've dated who have hurt me, my heart has become harden and my mind will not let me interact with possible love interests past the tipping point. I have learned a lot from all of the boys I have dated, and I call them boys because none of them have matured into men. However, all of these learning experiences have made me more wise, intuitive, cautious, closed off, with walls built and they rarely ever come down. There have been three or four boys over the past year that I've started to bring my walls down for and every time, without fail, once I do they turn into a-holes and blow me off. Is it me? It cannot be just me. They are just not the right ones for me if they cannot handle it. ...is what I like to keep telling myself. The trouble now is that I'm back in the same place I was in March and I have to face the reality of life again. I'm upset but since I continuously seem to be in this place every few months, it gets easier and easier to pick up the pieces and move on within a week's time, at most. I am not going to be the dumb girl. I am not going to be the girl who just doesn't get it. I am not going to be the girl waiting around for a phone call or text. I am not going to be the girl who follows the boy around like a sick puppy. I am not going to be the girl who over-analyzes each little detail. I am not going to be the girl who tries to stay in his circle just to be seen in hopes that he will change. Because he won't. I am a strong girl who has her head on straight and I am only going to keep moving forward. That's the only direction to go. I was upset yesterday. I couldn't believe that this person who seemed so different, could do the same thing to me just like every other guy has done to me in the past year. But the past two weeks I had felt it coming. Something was brewing in the air and as much as I didn't want to acknowledge it, I knew in my gut it was coming and wasn't going to stop. My intuition helped me begin to make sense of the situation and helped me prepare for the storm. And when I received my final answer yesterday afternoon while the skies were filled with black clouds and the rain steadily fell for twenty-four consecutive hours, I was able to wash my hands clean. I woke this morning to sunny skies and a feeling of a weight having been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt... good. I felt clear. And as I am mostly over the entire situation, I still feel some pain from it all but I have picked up most of the pieces and my heart is hardened yet again. Sealed off even more from anything that could potentially harm it. And now more than ever I want to go two ways: either be single for a while again and live my life for me and me alone, or I want to find a real and meaningful relationship with someone. It's a trick; I will always be doing the first option and the second is something that I am searching for but I can live without. It is simply a perk in life.
There is nothing left to do but continue moving forward. I am thankful for the time I did have with him and now I must learn from it and let it go. Change is inevitable. All good things must end... only to let great things begin.
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