Yes, I just used a phrase we ALL used when we were little kids. And I smiled as I did so. :)
I'm so completely and utterly torn and lost and confused and happy and sad and positive and negative and up and down and twist-turned all around.
I despise my current position - work wise. But I tough it out because honestly, it's quite easy and I know that I'll be learning a new position in about two weeks or so. So I can't complain too much. I also may have the opportunity to interview for two new jobs in the Dallas area as well coming up in the next couple weeks. Which is nerve-racking and exciting all jumbled into confusion and life-changing thoughts, hopes, fears, you name it. I've been wishing and hoping and thinking and praying that I would find a job in Dallas so that I could move there. Ever since, well, I'd say about a year or so ago. Even more so since the start of this year when I finally realized that the person I am ready to be with lives there. Now, I'm not saying I would move there just for him, but it is a perk. I am just over living here in Austin. I don't spend time with any of the people I used to spend time with because let's face it, people change and I've grown out of that lifestyle. I think I stayed with it so long because I thought it was "cool". Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a part of who I am, but I think that part is slowly fading as I'm starting to mature more and think about the things that really matter and what I really want for my life. The people who I want to surround myself with don't live here. So I find myself traveling up and down the I-35 corridor every other weekend to spend time with them and have fun. I'm tired of wasting the gas money! Four bucks a gallon is not cool. But I digress...
The main reason I am typing this right now when I should already be sleeping, is the fact that I'm torn. The man that I want to be with and can't stop thinking about, day in and day out, does not live here. He's come here quite a bit in the past year and we've always had a blast together. In February he told me that he has had feelings for me since we met... three years and a half years ago. Upon hearing this, I could only wish that I would've known sooner. But honestly, it was probably for the best because now the two of us have had time to grow and mature and start thinking about the things that we really want in life for our individual selves. Of course we are still trying to figure things out, but does that ever really stop in life? I don't think so. Well so in June, we finally had our first kiss. It was phenomenal. I can't explain it. And ever since then, we've been spending as much time as we can with each other. We talk to each other pretty much every single day. It's so fun and it's so great getting to know one another. But at the same time, part of me would like to know where this is going.... this is the part of my mind that starts to wander when I know it shouldn't. I need to be content with what I have and enjoy the ride! Really, if it took him three years to tell me his feelings for me, I can't be impatient now. But geeze louise I would like an answer soon! I would like to know what we are doing. Are we friends? Are we dating? Are we a couple? Are we nothing? These are all questions that you never ask a guy because it backs him into a corner and then you lose him. These are also questions you never ask a girl because it takes the same effect. But hot damn do I want to know the answers! I know, I know, patience is a virtue. Sigh.
This blog is where I write all my thoughts and feelings because I don't feel that I have close-enough best friend anymore, or at least not one who lives close enough to me, to actually sit down over a cup of coffee to talk these feelings out with. Also, I'm quite superstitious when it comes to dating because I've been burned way too many times, so I do not like to talk about my current flames with others for fear that it will jinx it and I will lose the guy. In reality, those "lost" guys were really just losers to begin with so I wasn't missing out on much. But this current guy... oh man. I do not want to lose him. I could not imagine not having him in my life. Since I've met him he's always been in the picture no matter where I'm living, what I'm doing or who I've dated. He's always there to have fun with, talk and be serious with, and be silly and he always knows how to put a smile on my face. I fear that I will lose him. I fear that if I stay in Austin, I'll lose him but if I move to Dallas, I could lose him there, too. This is why I'm torn. I know that I just need to trust in Him and have faith and let go of my fear and worry. I keep telling myself that each and every day. Because He will take care of everything once I give myself up to Him. Some days it is easier than others. As of now, as of last month, my goal is to be living in Dallas no later than December. I realize that means giving up my living situation with Mary, and I sincerely hope that it doesn't ruin our friendship, but I have to do what I have to do.
You have to take risks in life to achieve anything great. If you do not take risks, you have no idea what you are missing out on. You can't let fear and worry keep you from living your life. If there is something out there that you want to obtain, go after it and get it. Stay positive, stay strong, stay determined and let your actions speak out with grace and integrity.
As far as my boy situation goes, I could continue on aimlessly about him and gush about him like I'm twelve years old. That's what I really want to do in fact. But I also need sleep because I have an extra long day tomorrow complete with a two hour workout. Thank goodness because I didn't really do a lot of exercising this weekend unfortunately.
Last few thoughts... I really really really really wish that I had a best friend to talk to right now. And I mean, really talk to. You know how when you're growing up, you and your best friend were tied to the hip and would tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets because you knew that they would never tell a soul? And it was the greatest friendship you have ever had and nothing seems like it could ever replace it? I miss that. I feel that I have quite a few best friends who are scattered across this state and country, yet right now, I don't feel like a single one of them is close to me. And maybe that's just because as we get older, we grow apart into our own lives. We start careers, some move, some get married and have families... it's a way of life, I know. And we can come together over coffee or brunch or dinner to talk and chat and catch up about what has been happening in our lives but it's like the stories are so condensed and the time is limited that you don't have much time to really indulge in conversation and get things off your chest and really connect with your friend. Not to mention the iPhones are constantly ringing off the hook with calls, texts, updates, etc. that it's difficult to get a word in edge-wise and have someone fully hear what you're saying, word for word. Most of the time in a conversation, the cell phone is picked up on average five times, so you know all the words you speak in that time period go in one ear and out the other. That shit pisses me off. But I know I've fallen victim to the cell phones too, so I can't complain too much. I just want to have my best friend here with me so that we can talk about everything under the sun. I want to gush about my current crush and how I want him to be my boyfriend and I want to date him seriously for a long time and how I cannot imagine my life without him and how I could see one day, dare I say it, and hopefully I don't jinx myself, but that I could see him being the person I marry. Who knows. I never plan that far ahead but this is the first time since A.J. that I've really, truly had these kinds of feelings for and it's scary and exciting all at the same time. Please God don't let me lose him. If I do, I can't be upset because that means it wasn't right but dammit it better be right. At this point, I'm second guessing myself, over-analyzing the situation and filling myself with fear. ------ DO NOT DO THIS EVER.
Breathe. God is in charge. Have faith. Be strong. Let go of fear and worry. Love with all of your heart. Enjoy His presence. Walk with Him. You will be blessed with all of the things you need in life.
1 Thessalonians 15 "Be joyful always."
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