2 April 2012.
Life is throwing stones at me left and right. It's trying to knock me down to my knees. It's trying to make me cry. It's trying to make me give up. It's trying to make me lose hope. It's trying to break me.
But I will not stand for this meanie-head business!
Getting turned down from job after job can certainly cause one to become discouraged and frustrated to the point that they just want to curl up in the fetal position under their comforter in bed and never see daylight again. Believe me, I should know. Over the past two months I have applied for jobs left and right and I get nothing but rejection letters or no notice whatsoever. I've been down. I've been stressed. I've been frustrated. Angry. Sad. I've felt like crying, yelling, even wanting to punch a stuffed animal in the head just to release my upset. I have no idea what is going wrong and it has discouraged me from time to time. I took a job as a server at a restaurant about a month ago just so that I could get by and make some money because I'm supposed to be moving in with a friend of mine in a month's time. However now, it is making me quite nervous because I am not sure that I will be making enough money to do so. And I do not want to let her down either. Stress central!
I keep telling myself each day that I need to stop worrying and stay positive. Which, for the most part, I do but somedays I just cannot be as optimistic as I would like to be. I know that God has a plan for me and that something good is on it's way. I know that there is a reason why these jobs I've applied for have not worked out. They were just not meant to be for me.
This has been a great learning experience though. I've been learning more and more about myself as an individual and what I want out of life. I've learned that I do want the finer things in life and that I am going to have to do a lot of grunt work for a while until I can enjoy those things. I've learned that I am not always going to work with people that I enjoy spending time with, but that I can still have a positive work relationship with just to get through the day. I've learned to not bring my work home with me - there's no point in complaining about work when I get home. The job I have is solely temporary until the one position that is for me shows its face.
In the non-work world, I have been dissecting myself as a being and finding out what my mind, body, heart and spirit want and need. My relationship with God had been on the outs for a while and it clearly showed in my activities and lifestyle. I am now getting back to my roots and rebuilding that relationship because I know that once I begin letting Him back into my life, wonderful things will begin to blossom. As for myself as a person, I have been trying to define who I am as an individual. I love music, film, art, reading... I love to watch the news and I have taken up an interest in learning about what is happening in our world. I would love to work for a cause that helps people around the world who are less fortunate, or have battled neglect or abuse, or have social problems... which has struck an interest in counseling and/or teaching. I am going to start writing a children's book and later in life I would like to produce a book of my writings over the years and also a book about my life - everything that I have gone through, good and bad decisions and their outcomes, life's journeys, and where they have taken me and changed me into the person I was meant to be in life.
As for romantic relationships I have found that I want to be in a relationship if it's with the right person. The past year I have been open to dating and have dated quite a few guys but none of them have worked out. I'm not sure if that's because they have been musicians and are finicky or if it's just me. I think it's 50/50. I kept saying that I wanted to date someone but I really enjoyed being single and simply just having fun, so I'd keep myself guarded and then I guess things would just deteriorate and turn into friendships. I'd block off my heart just enough to push the dude away. Even more recently, like, this past week, I've reconnected with an old friend of mine whose parents actually tried to set me up with seven years ago. Things didn't work and our friendship faded out of the picture. But this week we have talked every day and he even drove to Austin for the weekend and he came out to hang with some of my friends on the east side this past Friday night. It was loads of fun and he got along with everyone but I realized why things didn't work out the first time around. He talks too much and texts me throughout the entire day. And not to sound shallow, but I don't like his face. He's not a bad looking guy, he's just not my type. He looks great on paper but the chemistry just isn't right, at least on my end. Is there something wrong with me?! So I am just going to let that fade out again and strictly just be friends with him. It will be for the best and it's honestly been a great learning experience. I do know now though that I want to be in a relationship with someone who I can call my best friend. Yesterday my brother's friend Zach and his girlfriend of two years drove down from Chicago to stay for the week. They are absolutely the sweetest people, individually and together. When I watch them together I can see that they are best friends and can do anything and everything together and that they truly love one another for who they are. And I think that I am ready for that again. Unfortunately I do not have the power to make that happen in an instant. It'd certainly be nice to just snap my fingers and Zac Efron or Ryan Gosling would be standing in front of me with open arms. Oh man would that make my day! But I'll leave the daydreaming to myself. Maybe one day they'll sweep me off my feet. Or another man who looks just like them and has a good head on his shoulders and is doing something with his life will come and sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to London!
The point here is this: I'm working my butt off right now to make money and find a career that will allow me to support myself and start my adult life. And in the process I hope to be swept of my feet by the man of my dreams (Taylor Hanson, hah!).
I can tell now that this writing is beginning to roll downhill due to my late night exhaustion. I will put the keyboard to rest and pick up where I left off at another date and time.
One must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.
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