I Want To Scream

I feel as if I'm alone. Well, not 'alone' in a terrible way. I just feel that there is distance. I'm supposed to be in this relationship right now. Yet I do not feel that I am. Have you ever felt that way before? You meet someone, fall head over heels for them, date for a while and then the question rises: Is this going to turn into something more serious? So of course, you say yes and then a relationship is born. However, distance comes knocking on your door. So for the first couple of months, even though there is distance, you don't really care because you're so excited about it all. You talk almost every night, for hours on end. The relationship is building because you're getting to know each other more and more. Every couple of weekends you get to see each other and spend a few days together. It's absolutely lovely! You fall in love. But then, distance cuts in again. When you're apart, you begin doing your own thing again. Routine sets in and some days it doesn't feel like you're really in a relationship. Sure, you're constantly thinking of the other person... but not getting to speak to them or see them starts to wear on you. I guess what I am trying to say is really, just what I really want right now. And what I really want right now is this: I wish that we lived in the same city. I wish I could talk to him, maybe not every day, but at least every couple of days. I wish that I could just call him up at 7 pm on a Monday evening and ask him to come with me to get a cup of hot chocolate at the local Starbucks.

I suppose that I am just the type of girl who loves spending time with the one I love. I mean, is that such a bad thing? I don't think so...

C'est la vie.

There's not too much I can do at this very moment. I have responsibilities that I cannot neglect. I kind of have a feeling that maybe he's just not that in to me anymore. I know that's probably crazy talk. Perhaps it's just me feeling lonely or neglected. I know he works all the time so of course he's busy.. Maybe I'm feeling this way because lately, all of my friends that I have been spending time with are all married. Sigh. So of course I feel, a) behind in the game, and, b) I miss him. I just do not feel myself right now. Maybe this is just a phase of emo-ness... that is not a word... but you get the picture. I need to regroup. I need to re-evaluate my life. I need to get back to my healthy lifestyle I had before I moved back to Austin. Which, by the way, is a BIG thing that has been on my mind lately. I love being back in Austin but as of this moment, I am ready for a change. I miss having my own apartment that I can come home to, do whatever I want, and not have anyone to answer to. That last part has really been driving me crazy. Here's a story for ya! This past Saturday evening I went out to dinner with my Dad and then stayed the night at his casa. All day Sunday we went searching for a new phone, got dinner and went back to his house, my second home, to eat and watch a movie. So naturally, I just stayed the night again. Well, my phone decides to ring ever so loudly to wake me up this morning... at FIVE A.M. Let me just tell you I was not a happy camper. My lovely mother had decided to call me to see where I was. Uh, hellooooo I am just at Dad's house! Do NOT call me that early ever again. Especially when I have work that very morning. Sigh. I know that she was just checking on me, but come ON. Can you tell that I just want to vent here?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Okay, peace and serenity, calm my soul.

"I want to scream, for everything to stop

Cause I'm not in charge, of anything..."