The Next Step

This past month has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I was sad, depressed, then extremely happy and excited. And no more than 6 days later, crushed again. That sent me on a downward spiral, all my walls crashing in, and my mind was filled with thoughts of "Why?" and "How?" I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't hardly talk to anyone. I had nothing left inside of me. I was empty. No emotion but sadness. Full on, complete depression. This lasted for about 3 weeks straight.

Then, as if struck by a lightning bolt, something sparked inside of me one Tuesday night after crying for 2 hours straight. I came to the realization that everything that had recently occurred was not my fault in any way, shape, or form. That this one person who once told me how in love he was with me, and how he would never do anything to hurt me ever, was in fact the one who was the problem. This individual who I thought I loved, was actually a toxic force that had wrapped itself around my entire being. This person put me down, called me names, and said I was the problem the entire relationship practically. And I let this all go on for 6 months, without ever noticing that HE was the one with the issues, and not me. But I was so incredibly blind to it all, I never saw how terrible he treated me. And due to all of this toxicity, I lost who I was as an individual. My self-esteem was gone. My confidence deteriorated. My individuality was lost. I spent so much time trying to please another and make another happy, that I left myself in the dark. My focus was not on myself ever.

That tuesday night, May 25, 2010, I became alive again. By eleven o'clock that night, still in tears, I fiercely packed up my belongs and left for Austin. I could not stand to be in that apartment one more night. From an outsiders view, I looked like a crazy person. I had tears streaming down my face, my cheeks were tomato red, and I was angry. All of that "love" I had for this individual was completely and utterly gone. By 1 a.m., I was still driving, but I had finally stopped crying. I reached my destination around 2:30 a.m. and walked inside and crashed. I was exhausted. I awoke still upset however. It's difficult to wake up knowing that that one person isn't there to talk to anymore. But I went on with my day. By the late afternoon, I was crying again. Completely broken. But I knew in my heart that I was better off. No doubt about it. And since that day, my eyes have been wide open.

I can see so clearly now. That relationship was toxic. Of course, we had fun together in the beginning, but it was never something that was "meant to be" like we had said we dreamed about it being. I fought so hard to try to be with him because I thought the "love" I had was "true". Perhaps it was at one point in time, but I now know that all of my fighting was not worth a dime. And I can honestly say that I am extremely happy for that. Because I have found myself again.

I am me again. I have found happiness again. I do not feel weighed down anymore and I know that great things will happen for me. Very soon.

The negativity that used to be a burden on me is mostly gone. The only negativity that stays is that of the place I live: Denton. That is the last part I need to shed to be at full peace. Unfortunately, that is a difficult subject. I have one year of school left, I have no money-except what I eventually get awarded as financial aid, and my heart lies in Austin. The pros and cons are as follows:
Austin:
PROS - happiness, family, friends, activities i.e. live music, sports, lake, more job opportunities, cheaper (live at home, less gas money, less miles on car), positive and nice people...
CONS - not sure how I will be finishing school unless it's done online.

Denton:
PROS - one more year of school that I can finish, only have to pay $100/month to live at my aunt's casa.
CONS - More money spent on living, gas, more miles on car, no friends to spend time with, no activities to do except Fry St. and I don't go there, negative people, bad job, Will be in Austin at least once a month like I have been the past 2 years.

I just have this feeling in my gut that Austin is the place that I need to be. Ever since I moved to Denton all I wanted to do was move back. Every single month I called my mother and cried on the phone because I was so depressed and miserable. I tried to move back, but then I'd decide, "No, this is my decision and I should see it through." And part of me feels like that is what I should do for one more year. However, do I want to sacrifice my own happiness, health, and well-being for, ultimately, a sheet of paper with my name on it from a university I never really cared for in the first place? Yeah, it's exciting to say, "Hey, I go to a university" and I've put their sticker on my car and wear their sports shirts. But do I actually do anything for that school? No. All I do is attend class and make semi-decent grades just to get by so I can get out of that place. It is not something that I love. Yes, I do want a degree so I can find a decent job, but sometimes I don't see what good it does. I look at my aunt who never went to college and makes over $100k/year. Then again, I see my father who also did not attend college, and he makes only half that amount. Which is decent, but with the way the economy is moving, it seems as if I need a degree to do well.


We all begin to fall into the circle of doing what everyone else does. We buy into the go to college, get a proper job, get married, buy a house in a neighborhood where each house looks identical to its neighbor, have a family, because that is just what you are supposed to do in life.

I'm not saying that some of those things aren't what I want, because one day yes, I would love to get married and have a family and a decent job. But why do we have to do these things by other people's standards?

Life is funny.

We say we are individuals. We like to believe that we are. And some out there truly are. Although most fall into the followers category and can never swim their way out of the black abyss.

Sometimes I feel paralyzed. I feel as if I must please everyone to gain a centimeter of acknowledgment. The burden is unmanagable. The weight is large. There are times when I break out into myself and then I get caught just as I am about to escape. The gravitational pull is frustrating.

But I will never cease fire. I will stay strong and try each and everyday to continue on the path to my unknown future. Life isn't about finding yourself. It is about creating yourself. And you must always know how long to stay, and when to go.

My time in Denton has come to a closing chapter. Although I have one year of school left, I cannot forsee myself spending another twelve months in a place I despise so greatly. I do not care to hear the judgments of others on behalf of my decision. Those who truly care for me will support me in anything I do.

The ending of one chapter, opens up to the next step of another. "Speaking of steps, I can't take it anymore I just have to kiss you right now..."

:) Good memories.